when a person has to stop pretending that all is well and face the harsh realities of life. That time has arrived for me.
I finally had to admit that I need help. Simple day to day housekeeping chores have become overwhelming. What should take an hour of my time now takes the better part of a day. I can still cook my meals and wash my dishes and do my laundry. I can take care of my personal hygiene and can dress myself without help. It is the rest of it that has become a bugger.
So yesterday I talked to all four of my kids about the problems I am facing. They mostly agree that I need to move into an apartment that is more suited to my needs. My apartment is too small to be able to use the walker. There just isn't room. I need additional help in dealing with the cellulitis in my legs. I need additional help in maintaining the cleanliness of my living space that the arthritis has made difficult. And I need to live somewhere that doesn't have stairs as the only means of getting to and from my apartment.
So my kids are researching the possibilities. There are several options. The only option I refuse to consider is a nursing home. I need my personal space. I am somewhat ornery. I do not play well with others. Should some fresh faced little nurse's aide tell me it is time to eat, time to sleep or time to go to the community room for a sing-long or for arts and crafts, I am apt to throw something at her, even though she would just be doing her job. Aside from my family and those blogging friends I have made, I mostly want to be left alone. Living somewhere that has a schedule that must be kept and that expects participation in activities that hold no interest for me is my idea of what Hell would look like.
I kind of feel sorry for my kids. They have their work cut out for them in finding ways to do what needs to be done and still stay within my budget. But they are smart. They are good at finding solutions to problems. And even though I have made good on my promise to live long enough to be a problem to them, they still love me and are more than willing to help me through a time that is not much fun.
I am not telling you about this life changing time because I desire sympathy. I do not. I still enjoy life as much and sometimes more than most. But I know there are some who might read this that are facing a similar change. I put it off longer than I should have. I am a stubborn person. And because my stubbornness got in the way of common sense, this isn't as easy as it could be. There is no shame in admitting you need help, especially in the later years. I still do as much as possible for myself, but it has gotten to the point where it just isn't enough. And if this helps even one person, then it has accomplished what I hope it would.
And even with complications, life is still grand. :)
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I hope that you will consider visiting an 'assisted living' facility. They are not nursing homes and allow you the opportunity to interact with others as much, or as little, as you like. They have housekeepers who will do weekly cleaning and laundry. Reading your blog has reminded me so much of my mother that the two of you could have been sisters. The last five years of her life were spent in her very own apartment in a lovely assisted living facility and she was very happy to call it her home.
ReplyDeleteSue...Thank you for your encouragement. Assisted living facilities are part of what my kids are checking on. The tricky part is finding something within my budget, but it is a possibility.
DeleteVicki, I do not know what resources are available for seniors in your state. In Oregon Mom qualified for senior assistance with her rent. Also, her husband was a WW2 veteran and through his service she also qualified for VA assistance. The intake personnel at these facilities are very helpful in finding funding and assistance for seniors to be able to afford quality housing and a level of care that is much less expensive than Medicare services through a nursing home where 24/7 care is given.
DeleteSue...I appreciate your input. Any suggestions are welcome. I don't qualify for anything through the VA. When I talked with my youngest son last evening, he said they were checking all avenues of assistance to see what is available. I don't need 24/7 care - just help with the housekeeping and with the care of my legs. Assisted living apartments around here run about $3500 per month which is way out of my reach without some assistance. I'm sure my kids will come up with options. They are really good at taking care of me when needed. :)
DeleteI think Sue is right, if you can afford the arrangement. Watch your stuff, though, I've never yet heard of a place that doesn't have a few sticky-fingered employees. Maybe a ground-floor apartment with weekly hired cleaners would do for now, though (still watch your stuff).
ReplyDeleteGorges...The kids are going to get with me the end of the week to let me know what they found out. They know what my income is and will act accordingly. As far as sticky-fingered employees, thanks for the advice. I don't have all that much that is worth stealing. :)
DeleteGetting old(re) isn't for sissies, is it? We'll have to face your reality at some stage and I'm dreading it. Good on your kids for being willing to help.
ReplyDeleteYou are spot on, Dani...Old age isn't for the faint of heart!! I am blessed with really good kids. They didn't even blink when I told them what I needed. They just said, 'OK, Mom. We will take care of it.'
DeleteWhat Dani said.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear with my own health issues is the loss of independence.
A dear family friend moved into a senior assisted living facility run by The Good Samaritan Society. ( www good-sam.com) I just searched on their web site and they have two 'budget friendly' apartments near Minneapolis. Interesting, though, they don't put $$$ onto their web site.
She's in her own unit but has the option to take meals in the dining room as she wants. The other service she's using now is a van that takes residents around her town. I'm sure there are other 'helps' available as needed. She's 85+ and quite fiesty as well and she's quite happy there. No sing-alongs required.
Change is hard. At least for me it is especially when it's because of our health. A few weekends ago, I went away and actually flew. I ordered wheelchairs to get around the airport. Talk about ego-busting but I needed them. And I was thankful I had ordered them. Just saying this to let you know I've had to adjust to some health issues and I get that it's hard. But good that you're talking about it now-- some times I think things just have to bubble to the surface when it's time.
Take good care, SJ
SJ...I really appreciate your support. You are right - change is hard. I have been living in this same building for over 20 years. I like living here. But over the weekend I looked around me and came to the realization that I just can't do this by myself any more. My kids are so very good to help out when I need them, but they all have their own lives and families. Duane has been so good to help me with the bandaging of my legs and other small tasks like taking out the trash. The rest of them have been so good to see to it that I get to appointments or to do a little shopping for me when I need it done. But I just can't expect them to provide maid service when I can't do what needs doing. So a change has become necessary.
DeleteI am just letting them do the research. They are better at it than I am. They know I would like to stay in the same town if possible for two of my kids live here and another lives not that far away.
Funny you should mention the Good Samaritan Society. My mother lived for many years in the nursing home in Blackduck MN run by that group. Dad was there for a couple of years before his death. Both received excellent care.
The ego does take quite a hit when we have to make concessions to health issues, doesn't it. That's probably one reason I put off making this decision for so long. That and, as my children are quick to remind me, sheer stubbornness!
I am not overjoyed about making a change, but I know it is necessary. It just took time for me to admit it, even to myself. :)
One of the hardest things for me is being so far away from family and two of my best friends. But I'm here, at least for now. I don't have a lot of options right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm blessed that this apartment is on the ground floor - no stairs or even elevators. I walk right into my apartment from the walkway through my own front door. There is an underground parking garage but I can walk up the ramp and not have to deal with the stairs there either.
My only long term issue could be having to climb into and out of the bathtub to take my shower. It's funny how I'm starting to look at things.
I'm blessed, too, in that my city has a non-profit group that serves seniors. They provide low-cost but not free housekeeping, rides to medical and some social activities. It's the group I participate in for their 'senior dinners'. They actually have two nights for dinner and lunch on a third day. So, lots more services I could access if/when I need to.
I understand the stubbornness - I find it very difficult to admit that I need help and then asking for it is hard too.
And, that Good Sam place I was describing was under their 'independent living' section. They had other sections for nursing home type places.
Good for your kids to take on this project. You certainly must have been a great mom for how super your adult kids are.
SJ
SJ...That's got to be tough, being so far away from those you love. I spent some time away from my family and when I finally came home I vowed never to leave.
DeleteI think your apartment set-up would be ideal. I would love to be able to go outdoors without having to navigate stairs. That was one thing David talked about was that he would like to see me someplace where I could go out and enjoy some sunshine. That is nearly impossible for me here these days.
I believe the kids are looking into services like you mentioned. Jill said there are home care services that Medicare will pay for if I am housebound and can't get out for treatment. I would likely qualify as even if I were on ground floor, I have trouble standing and walking. I am pretty sure there are similar housekeeping services. If they exist in my area, my kids will find them. It is really good that you have those kinds of services where you live.
I have always had a hard time asking for help. Always thought I could do everything myself right up to the time when I couldn't. I have been scolded more than once by kids who get frustrated with me when I don't ask for help. :)
I am afraid my canning days are nearly at an end. I think I can finish canning up what is left in my freezer, but after that I'm not so sure. Thankfully I have so much food already in jars that it will take a long time before I would need more.
I found the Good Sam website but didn't take the time to really check out their independent living section. I will do that this week. That is where I found the nursing home where my parents lived. Blackduck is a town of about 600 people with only one nursing home, so the one I found on their 'locator' section had to be the same one.
I can't take all the credit for the way my kids turned out. Sometimes I think they did well in spite of me. Their Dad had something to do with the kind of adults they became. I have to say that I am proud of them all. I would be in fairly deep doo about now if they hadn't stepped up to the plate to help!
I don't ever want to have things scheduled where I am expected to attend. ugh I understand what you are up against, as I sort of am, too. But, I am not where you are yet. It is scary to consider.
ReplyDeleteLinda...I have never been very good at scheduled activities. If I feel like staying up all night reading, I will. If I want nothing more than crackers and cheese for upper, then that's what I will have. But to have anyone tell me when to go to bed or what I have to eat for supper brings out the worst in me. Anyway, I am not ready for that kind of living situation just yet. But I find I do need a bit of help here and there. To me, that isn't so much scary as it is frustrating.
DeleteI looked up somewhat ornery, and I'll be damned if your photo was there right next to it. I for one am very happy that you have realized hey kids mom needs help. I for one would drive down to your little peace of heaven and kick your senior citizen butt ....I know that I would be in line with your family..LOL
ReplyDeleteYep, Rob...The Queen of Ornery - that would be me. :)
DeleteI think the family is just relieved that I stopped being so stubborn and am willing to do what is necessary. It just irritates me some that I have to make these changes. I thought I was Wonder Woman and could do anything. lol
It's hard to ask for help. I am glad you have your kids for support. I know you'll find the best place that will suit all your needs.
ReplyDeleteJenn...That is the hardest part - knowing that I need help and then having to ask. But I have the best support group ever with my kids, bless them.
DeleteI am old. I don't do change well. But having thought about it for a couple of days I think I would really enjoy being able to get outside, preferably sitting with a cup of coffee on a patio or balcony, just enjoying the sunshine. And the birds. And whatever else there is to watch. I would like that alot. :)
About canning --- maybe just think of doing it differently. I know I can't do canning like I used to. There's no way I can do a big batch of anything. Now I'm doing 3 pints at a time and am happy with that. Everything is easier - less standing to process, cleanup and the like.
ReplyDeleteAnd I've been researching an electric pressure cooker/canner that will actually pressure can or water bath. I think it will only do 4 pints at a time if I remember correctly (hahaha, given my memory, don't quote me). Anyway, it's even smaller then my small canner and uses even less water. So easier to lift. Anyway, just wanted to share what I've been researching.
And, yes, I love being able to walk out my front door without the stairs. Can't say that enough!
Had enough energy today to go to one garden and pick some strawberries (2nd crop). I don't think I've shared here - I've got a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome. The name doesn't really capture what it's like but for most people it's not life threatening. If you're wondering the web, the CDC has a fairly decent write up.
Anyway, just thought to share that.
Take good care. SJ
Before replying here I took a short stroll through Amazon to see what was available in electric pressure cookers/canners. They had several models and price ranges. I would have to research a bit more to see what would work for me, but that may be a good solution to the canning problem. I, too, can not continue to do the canning marathon thing like I have been doing, but I would like to be able to do small batches without having to do any heavy lifting. According to the little bit I saw, they can also be used as a pressure cooker for meats, etc. Youngest son, David, has one (cooker - not canner) and he loves it. Thanks for the heads up!
DeleteI don't dare do much more canning anyway, aside from dealing with the freezer stuff. If I am going to move, my kids will not be happy with having to move the tons of jars of food I already have. :)
You may have mentioned your chronic fatigue syndrome before, but I am not sure. My memory seems to be similar to yours. :)
I found a good description of it on the Mayo Clinic website. Me...I just have a garden variety arthritis which means painful joints. If I overdo, I pay for it for a couple of days. But you, my dear, have much more to contend with, it seems. I understand a bit better about what you live with. And I have to say that I probably wouldn't stay as cheerful as you are if in the same position. Good on you for continuing to do what you like doing - gardening, walking the dog, getting out and about with friends - in spite of it all. You are to be admired.
your potted bean could enjoy the outdoors with you!
ReplyDeletewould your legs improve if you could walk a bit more?
a rollator is a sort of wheeled walker with a seat.
very handy. if you find you have gone too far you just sit down and can roll yourself home by foot action.
aldi's recently had one for 60 $ but medicare might pay some on it.
my mom had to go into nursing home because i had to go to hospital--when you are in your 90's your kids are old--and medicaid chipped in with medicare. thank God for it.
the social worker wherever you choose to go has all this info at her fingertips.
God bless you and yours.
once you get on the ground floor with access to a yard and patio you may find your health improves.
sunlight activates your vitamin D.
deborah...potted bean on the patio. That's funny! If I had a patio or balcony, I wouldn't mind a couple of tomato plants in pots.
DeleteMy youngest son and his family gave me a walker on wheels with a seat. Trouble is, my apartment is too small to use it indoors. Hopefully the new place will be set up better.
I do walk back and forth in my apartment every day, a few minutes at a time, but I haven't noticed much improvement. I also spend time sitting with my feet elevated and that does help a little with the swelling. Thing is, cellulitis is incurable. When I do manage to get the open, weepy places on my lower legs healed over, it is just a matter of time before there is another outbreak. The best I can do is make sure infection doesn't set in and keep Ace bandages on them to try to control the swelling some. My daughter is working on setting up some home care for this and that may help.
We are not looking at assisted living but just a regular apartment. I only need help with my legs and the heavy cleaning. The plan is to find someone to come in once a week to do the vacuuming, mop the floors, clean the bathroom, etc. I should be just fine with that.
You obviously put some thought into your suggestions and I want you to know that I really appreciate it.
Senior services is where they need to start. They can steer you to where apartments can be had for seniors and subsidized ones, too. If you don't drive, a nurse can come to you. If you need housekeeping, that can be arranged for you, too. Small batch is what my 80+ yr old friend did. Now, I do, too. If you get liquor boxes, canning jars are easier to move. He could put the jars of food at his place and bring them to you over days instead of having to get them to you on moving day. I water bath in a tall pot, putting a dish towel on the bottom of the pot to sit jars on. Sometimes, if first shove a disposable pie pan in and put the cloth on that.
ReplyDeleteI like having my own grass to walk on, but you could at least walk on rental grass.
I am glad to hear you don't want or need assisted living.
Linda...Thank you for all the helpful suggestions. It is heartwarming to know that folks care enough to help.
DeleteMy oldest daughter is checking on all the possibilities for home health care for my leg problems and for light housekeeping services. My youngest son is in charge of finding suitable housing for me. Between the two of them I am sure they will find a solution. It does help that I don't need assisted living. And there is no rush. This isn't an emergency situation - just a desire to improve my living circumstances.
I like what you said about walking on rental grass. I live in the downtown area of my town where there is nothing but cement sidewalks and asphalt streets. Even though it is a well-kept area with trees planted between sidewalks and streets and with old fashioned looking street lights, there is no grass. My building has a communal deck, but it overlooks the parking lot of a bar. So the thought of green grass and a little bird watching and enjoying a cup of coffee on the patio is appealing. :)
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement in your reply to me above. Probably like you - I'm learning to live with what life has dealt me.Most days I'm upbeat. Some days not so much. And, really, I don't have a lot of energy to expend on being negative.
ReplyDeleteIn reading the comments here, I was struck by what a caring group of people read here and comment. It's still a nice surprise to me that the internet and web can be such a positive place.
Enjoy your day!
SJ
SJ...You are welcome. It works both ways. You have been there with kind words and encouragement on many occasions. I try to stay positive, too. But I don't always succeed. I try not to let it bubble over into this blog, but I don't always succeed at that, either. Luckily, the good stuff far outweighs the bad :)
DeleteI just wrote a blog post thanking all those who visit here and care enough to offer suggestions to help me through a difficult time. I knew I had some really nice people who read this, but it has occurred to me just how blessed I am.
Sounds as if you just need a bit of housekeeping done for you and perhaps some errands? This is something I've looked for to do for someone older. Years back I cleaned for an older lady (90) and we became great friends. Now I just fear that a person might accuse me of stealing an item when they have simply misplaced it. I know it would be a bit disconcerting to have a stranger come to your house to help, but perhaps your family knows of someone they could trust. Good for you for acknowledging your changing needs. Sounds like you have a great family who loves you. There are professional services that employ people to help those such as yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly what I need, Joy. I can still take care of myself, but the heavier household chores have become problematic. My daughter is looking into options available to me. I'm confident she will be able to find a solution.
DeleteI can understand your reluctance to work for someone my age (71) and older. We tend to forget fairly easily. Some years back I bought birthday cards for my six grandkids, put them away for safekeeping, and I still haven't found them. :)
And you are right about not being overjoyed at having a stranger in the house, but sometimes we just have to do it anyway. I'm sure it will all work out.
Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment.
That really is a big decision. I worry about us up here on this mountain top. Doing all the daily chores that have to be done gets harder and harder. Things like lifting 50 pound sacks of feed are not getting any easier. My wife wants to move to a condominium on the beach in Florida. I'm afraid I couldn't stand being around people that much.
ReplyDeleteI sympathize with you completely.
Thanks, Harry...This past year my choices have narrowed considerably. I finally had to admit to myself that I need help. Aside from my family, I don't like being around people, either. Here, living in a small downtown area, I have learned to tune out the outside world and make my little apartment my refuge. I expect I can do the same no matter where I am. Who knows. I probably will wind up being 'that crazy recluse in apartment # 7.' :) That is fine with me.
Delete