Thursday, May 6, 2021

Lessons Learned

In the midst of the grief and sorrow associated with the death of a loved one, there are practical things that need to be dealt with. There are final bills to be paid and people who need to be informed of a death. As we have discovered, this can be a problem.

When there is a home, business, land or valuables involved, a will is the best solution. But because none of these things apply to me, I have come up with a simple solution to help my children when my time is up.

Let it be said right here that I have no immediate plans to exit, stage left. I would hope to stick around long enough to really annoy my kids. It is one thing I do well. :)

I have a notebook set aside for this purpose. I am in the process of entering the following information into it:

The location of my checkbook and the name and number of my bank.

The location and PIN number of my debit card. If I had credit cards, those would be included as well.

The location of my stash of cash that I keep for emergencies.

A list of my monthly bills and the contact numbers.

The name and number of my landlord.

Contact information for Social Security, Medicare and any other insurance, along with the location of the cards for each.

Passwords for any electronic devices.

Numbers to call to cancel any services. In my case it is the home health care and grocery delivery services.

I expect I will be adding more to the list as time goes by. Any information that could be useful to survivors is helpful.

One more thing:

My Dad lived a couple hundred miles from me. Due to circumstances, I couldn't see him as often as I would have liked. So I called him often. Dad always ended our conversations with the words, “I sure do love you, Sis.” I always replied that I loved him, too. I have carried on that tradition with my children and grands.

It is a huge comfort to me to know that the last words my son heard me speak were the words, “I love you.”

It is important to tell them. Really important.

28 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, Gorges...Just thought it might be helpful.

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  2. Vicki, I ran into the lack of info problem when my dad died. He had passwords for everything, and only he knew them. He had his finances on four or five spreadsheets that were utter GREEK to anyone except him. Untangling his finances was a NIGHTMARE.

    One thing, Vicki; that notebook you're putting together; anyone gets ahold of that thing, and financially, they are YOU! PLEASE put that thing somewhere SAFE! I'm talking "safe deposit box" safe! And make sure someone else has access to it.

    My first love; I never told her I loved her. She died in a fire. Not telling her I loved her remains the biggest regret of my life. I vowed never to let that happen again... and I haven't...

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    1. Pete...My kids having to jump through hoops in order to settle everything is what prompted me to write down as much information as possible. I don't want them to have to live this nightmare again - far into the future, I hope.

      My kids know where I keep the notebook. I am extremely careful that no one but family has access to it. But your point is well taken. That kind of information can not be left where it can be seen by anyone else.

      I have always ended conversations with my kids with the words I love you, even if they were on their way out the door after a visit. But I didn't realize just how important that was until recently. It means the world to me that those were the last words I heard my son speak. We can take nothing for granted.

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  3. What a gift to your children, Vicki. Many do not realize how they could do the same until it is too late. Bless you for being so "commonsensed" in the middle of a sad time for you and the family. CW

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    1. CW...It is difficult enough to lose a loved one without the added stress of dealing with the nuts and bolts that have to be dealt with. I just hope our experience might prompt someone else to do the same.

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  4. I believe that it is important for family or your Pastor to know funeral wished. Do you want a service, flowers, which funeral home, a burial place. As a Pastors wife, I have seen many people that have no idea what their loved ones wanted for these things.
    I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I read your blog but really dont leave comments. My prayers aer with you for God's peace to be over your heart and mind.

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    1. Barbara...Thank you for your kind words. Having this kind of conversation with family is not easy, but I think it is necessary. Because my son and I had talked of these things we knew what his wishes were and could act accordingly. Your prayers are very much appreciated.

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  5. A friend at work (bother in the Lord) asked about my mom. He offered to cover me while I called her.
    We talked a bit and she said she had to go.
    She died ten minutes later.

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    1. Ed...God works in mysterious ways. I firmly believe that there are times we are led to do certain things. What an incredible blessing to have talked with your Mom at that precise time.

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  6. Hello Vicki...I was so saddened to read of your son's recent passing. You have been in my prayers. Yes, there is much to be done when this happens. I am now 77 yrs. and have been a widow since 1982...that was my second widowhood as my first husband passed way back in 1971 when I was 27 and a total novice at what to do at that time. Our daughter was 4yrs. then and I was basically consumed with resuming work as a RN fulltime and caring for her....But with lots of people helping me I learned fast about preparations for "last days"..In a way, I didn't know it then, but I was prepared for the passing of my second husband in 1982...I had prepared my Advance Directive for Care for my daughter, as well as Power of Attorney, a Will, and a list of my very minimal assets at that time of my life. Being widowed that second time, I learned more and have updated all of any assets, kept a list of all online passwords and bank accounts, etc....As you have done. My goal has always been that when my time comes to move on to "the next adventure" that my daughter will not be burdened with "all the red tape of dying", and believe me there is a lot of that if a person doesn't do some things to avoid it. I found that out when my Mom passed and I had to straighten out her finances and home. So..just want to say "God bless you, Vicki, for preparing in order to help your family when your time comes to go on the next great adventure! :)

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    1. lynney62...Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am sure they will prompt others to think about doing something similar to ease the burden on their family when that time arrives, as it does for us all. Watching what my kids have had to deal with in addition to the loss of their brother was what got me busy writing down all the pertinent information so they wouldn't have to go through anything similar again.

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  7. Bless you for continue to teach in your time of sorrow, Vicki.

    I think of you each day and pray for your peace and comfort.

    Fern

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    1. Fern...Dealing with the death of their brother is not easy for his siblings, and it is more difficult when they have to deal with the aftermath without a roadmap as well. If I can do something that will make life a bit better for them later, it is a good thing.

      There are good days and days that are not exactly stellar, but prayer helps. A lot. Thank you.

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  8. Aww, what your dad always said reminds of my father in law. He was like that, too. He'd say to my dh or me on the phone "I sure do love you guys".

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    1. One Family...I have lots of good memories of my Dad, but that one stands out above all others. I am so glad that you have similar memories of your father in law. We are blessed.

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  9. Vicki~ Wise and practical words. My Sis-in-Law told us she had everything taken care of. She didn't. Things are still coming out of the woodwork after 4 years since her sudden passing. Red

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    1. Red...Losing a loved one is hard enough without having the aftermath in a shambles. I don't want my kids to have to go through this all over again later. Much later.

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  10. You have an excellent start on this. A couple of things to add -
    1. passwords for social media, and instructions on what to do with the accounts after you're gone. This blog for example - leave it up for the information on food preserving and stocking up, or delete the whole thing?
    2. verify beneficiaries are up to date on any financial accounts or insurance policies. Somehow, even though I have beneficiary paperwork, it was never actually done on one account.
    3. a list of old friends, distant relatives you are not in regular contact with that you'd like to have informed. MIL kept in occasional contact with friends from high school, we'd never have known if she didn't make a list.

    Even though you don't think you have enough for a will, I'd suggest getting one. I *think* there are some free on-line ones that are good options. Not to mention - if there's no will, and the estate is over a certain amount, the state determines how your stuff is handled and by who. You say no valuables are involved, but a lot of little things can add up quickly to hit that limit. Every state has its own rules. Yikes - that reminds me, I need to ping DS about a will now that he bought a house, plus his cars...

    I'm SO glad Mom and Dad had pretty much all taken care of, but even so, settling the estates was not an easy task. I never did hear the words "I love you" from Dad. Or Mom either, that I recall??? In fact Dad was quite clear that those words were reserved for Mom only. No worries - they let us know in other ways :-)

    I'm sorry about your son.

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    1. Thank you, Just Gail...Very good suggestions and some I had not thought about. As far as this blog goes, it will stay up on the hope that someone might find it useful.

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  11. You’ve got a really excellent idea there, Vicki. One thing my husband and I are going to do is, since we have separate safe deposit boxes from before we were married, is store each other’s info in our boxes. I’ll store his and he mine. That gets around any problems getting to the info in the event of death. In some states, joint safe deposit box contents cannot be accessed prior to the conclusion of probate.

    Glad to hear from you!

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    1. Good suggestion, LTM...I love the way you all chime in with ideas that can help everyone. Thank you.

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  12. My thoughts and prayers have been with you and your family.

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    1. Thank you so much, sbrgirl...They have been needed and much appreciated.

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  13. lynne62 had a couple of important items - power of attorney and advance directive care. For POA - we have 2 - financial and medical. If not already done, you might have your kids added as ???... whatever it's called so with HIPPA rules, the doctors can speak to them about what's going on if you can't. That's something many don't think about - what if you don't wake up dead one morning, but instead have something like a stroke or accident that renders you unable to make decisions.

    I'm looking forward to being able to ask you about food preservation and stocking up for a good long time though.

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    1. JustGail...We are looking into POA once we have dealt with the legalities concerning my son's death. It is just the sensible thing to do. However, I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon.

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