Thursday, November 7, 2013

Ho Ho Ho!

So I am shopping for a few groceries this morning, and instead of the usual elevator music in the background, I hear Christmas carols.  I shouldn't have been surprised, considering the display of Christmas wreaths outside the main doors of the store.  But give me a break.  Halloween is only one week past and Thanksgiving is barely on the horizon.  I mean, seriously?  We are pushing Christmas shopping up to Halloween?  Kind of makes me want to just hibernate until the New Year.

So as long as I am going to have to endure being assaulted with Santas and mistletoe for two months, I thought I would share the following.  I don't know where I found it.  If it is yours, let me know and I will give you credit.

Dashing through the Snow

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Happy Holidays,
The Risk Management Team

Just for the record.....I refuse to utter the words, "Happy Holidays."  It's Christmas, dammit.  I don't get my knickers in a twist over all the ethnic holidays during the course of a year that have nothing to do with my ancestry.  So if "Merry Christmas" is found to be offensive, that's just too bad.

Bah, humbug!


  1. I have yet to run across a real person that's supposed to be offended by Christmas. If I do, I'll tell you how long it took before they had enough and went somewhere else to be miserable.

  2. Jess, I think I am getting ornery. I am really tired of being told how to think and what not to say. I am just too darned old for all of that foolishness.