New and Improved Gadgets - AARRGH

After the fire in my building last summer, new smoke detectors were installed throughout the building.  I hate them.

My apartment is laid out with the living room on one end, bedroom on the other, with the kitchen in between.  Because of the building codes, there is a smoke alarm in the kitchen and another in the bedroom.  There is about 4 feet of space between the two.  I know.  Makes no sense.  Building codes are a government invention and therefore don't have to make sense.

The smoke alarm in the kitchen goes off whenever I open my oven door while said oven is in use.  It goes off when I fry potatoes for supper.  It goes off when I boil water.  It goes off whenever I use the stove at all.  This is annoying, both to me and my neighbors.  I finally reached my breaking point.  I ripped the thing from the ceiling.  Took out the battery.  Set the alarm on a shelf.  Capped off the wires on the ceiling and called it good.

All was peaceful in my little apartment.  I could bake bread, cook supper and boil water for coffee without the ear-shattering screech from the alarm.  I still was protected by the smoke alarm in my bedroom and another in the hallway, right outside my kitchen door.  Life went back to being fairly pleasant.  It remained so for several weeks.

And then, in the middle of the night, I was awakened by a BEEP and a feminine voice telling me, "No battery."  I grumbled, rolled over and was nearly asleep again when BEEP, "No battery" again assaulted my ears.  Every half hour the smoke alarm informed me that it needed a battery.  Dawn was just breaking when I picked up the offending alarm, opened my closet door and stuffed the thing into a box and covered it with two bags full of yarn.  Closed the closet door.  Breathed a sigh of relief.  And then heard a distinct BEEP "No battery."

About that time I passed from annoyed right on to lunatic.  Pulled open the closet door.  Tossed the bags of yarn out of the way.  Grabbed the smoke alarm and headed for the living room.  I wrapped the alarm in a blanket.  I could still hear it, with the added feature that it set the dogs to barking whenever it went BEEP "No battery," which it was doing every couple of minutes now.  Got a comforter from the closet and wrapped it around the alarm and the blanket.  BEEP "No battery," bark, bark, bark.  Took the quilt I keep on the back of my couch, wrapped the whole works up in it and waited.

Silence.

So now I have this huge ball of blanket, comforter and quilt all rolled up around the alarm, living behind my recliner until I see my landlord again.  I can deal with that, as long as it doesn't go BEEP "No battery."  My poor landlord has twice already tried to fix the problem, and obviously the smoke alarm is not to be denied.  I'm thinking maybe a bucket of water or possibly a well placed shotgun blast.....